So, Facebook….

I don’t think there is anything I find more entertaining than our new neighbors on the internet.

There was once a time when computers were far more of a chore. Fighting with operating systems, and software compatibility, and hardware compatibility, and drivers, and AOL. I imagine leaving the internet broken was an acceptable alternative to loading screens and Viagra spam. Most people were far too busy nourishing in the warm glow of their television. But, much like that one awkward girl in middle school, everything became faster, prettier, easier. The more accessible the internet became, the closer we approached Facebook comments from Nana. If there’s one thing humans like, it’s lookin’ at other humans. So, the average everyday chap eventually decided to get into this whole “world wide web” thing. Our relatives. Our co-workers. Our acquaintances. People without any real sense of the greasy, maladjusted piranha native to these waters. They offer an absurd amount of their private lives for general consumption. And eat we shall.

I so thoroughly enjoy the general public’s gradual exposure to the depravity and malaise of Internet culture. I also thoroughly enjoy reading and watching as people clumsily expose their bleak lives. Youtube is at least 20% video blogs (vlogs for you hip folk) practically no one watches (seriously like 40 views) that provide bizarre portraits of the American unconscious. Like if Normal Rockwell visited a farm then painted Guernica. I spend a great deal of time exploring this ocean of entertainment that is the internet, and I’ve found a new source of fun.

Trolling our less internet savvy Facebook friends is always great for a laugh. But there are only so many conservative talking points that can fit in one post. Fortunately, there are dozens of people you knew from some period in your life up to and including that smelly kid from camp (me) constantly bombarding your Facebook with shit you never read. Before your eyes they are weaving a rich tapestry of boring smeared with whatever bit of turd personality they can muster. And it passes unnoticed because we forget that we knew them in their formative years. Remember the chubby kid who played trumpet? Well he joined a frat and hides his insecurity behind a Super Troopers poster and an alcohol problem. And it all shines through on Facebook.

But we don’t care about the boring-and-nothing-else folks. No, we want the folks who were already a big bag of neuroses when we met them. To see how they’ve blossomed and reinforced deeply confused personal identities.

To be continued..

Worming their way in: A novel reading of the film Tremors

this could be you

Tremors is best read as a chilling portent about widespread globalization and its impact on the modern world. In the film we see an archetypal American small town, who, despite being a bit rough and tumble, epitomize the American frontiersman of days past; a melange of traditional values, tenacity, and a fierce sense of national pride and territoriality sustain their community (which, not surprisingly, is named Perfection in the film.)

you were too good for this world

Despite all their efforts to live, love, and flourish as a group, however, their dreams are to soon turn nightmarish as the graboids, here, coming from the south (read: Mexico), invade their town and lives and literally rock the foundations of their community. This foreign invasion, which cannot be reasoned with or, truly, understood, begins to tear their sense of safety and well-being apart. This theme of globalization can even be seen in the title; a contraction of “Trés Morts”, a Franco-Spanish term meaning “Three Deaths”, alluding to first the death of nation, then the death of community, and finally the death of self which was postulated as a consequence of modern globalism first by Thomas Friedman.

¡SOY GUSANO GRANDE! ¿TIENES TRABAJO?

Ultimately, it is the most boldy American of all of them, the Horatio Alger-inspired Burt, who leads the group to safety by using his sense of patriotism and inventiveness. It remains to be seen if a true Burt will arise in modern post-9/11 America; however, should that day come, I think we will know very quickly, as our fears, whether of graboids or cheap, outsourced labor, will come crashing to the ground much the same way the buildings of Perfection did during their most trying of times.

Soundscape Foreverdream: Will Return this week

THE CLOWN SHOW IS ON HIATUS FOR RETOOLING

We will be releasing the new one probably this weekend.

Soundscape Foreverdream – Episode 2: Will.I.Was

In this episode:

Glory of Ukraine
Gremlins
Staunch Political Discussion
Urban Attentionwhores

Plus: a very special episode of AntlerCar

POSTNOTE: Soundscape Foreverdream Superfan #1, Jarrett Melendez-LaJeuness-Kurobana-Sheinhardt has submitted his own interpretation of what AntlerCar looks like:

Jarrett, your artistic abilities more than compensate for your inadequacies as a lover

Soundscape Foreverdream: Episode 1 – The Oklahoma Jewry

Rich and Bobby do a PodCast, it’s long and if you listen to all of it we will love you forever.

Topics include:
Chakras
Kugelmugel
Ankle Disparity
Jiminy Glick
and Rich issues a Fatwa against Martin Short

Craigslist: Not just for JO buds anymore

For over ten years now, internetizens have been using Craigslist to murder prostitutes and fellate their fellow man. However, few non-Nigerian people know you can also use it to financially exploit stupid people! I was fortunate enough to do this just the other day, when I stumbled upon a “gig” wherein a simple man requested some Photoshoppic assistance. Few details were provided, so I emailed him and asked him to elaborate as to what he requested. I received this reply:

I understand finding or creating such photos may be to much
for what I’m looking for.
It’s for a Hippie wedding idea in Montana 2020
Things I would like:
1. Psychedelic background (bright colors) in a scenic field
2. Words or banner of , Montana 2020 Clearly Beautiful
3. sheep and chickens running around
4. Bride and groom
5. bride short(5′3) long dirty blonde braid with flowers in her hair
6. groom tall(5′10) pale white, buzz cut, khaki shorts and tie dye shirt
7. person marrying the 2 would be an earthy type hippie.

This motherfucker is lucky I’m unemployed. I pulled down my e-pants and digishitted some crapxels into Photoshop for about three hours, and this is what I created:

I hate myself and want to die

For this I received 50 dollars. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: “roughly $5.55 per sheep?”. Yes. I was feeling charitable.

Clarence Thomas is such a G

With Special Guest

:05 PM Dave’s gmail status: I think I have swine flu

me: i thought that once

6:07 PM through deep thought and prayer to the god lord jesus christ you too can rise above the liberal plague for you friend are a child of the lord and he is your keeper, forever and ever amen

6:08 PM David: so, swine flu is liberal?

me: no, sir

6:09 PM it is a plague given us by the lord to purge the unholy and riseth our savior

6:11 PM David: well, the lord’s plagues have become pretty lame, in all honesty

the best he can muster is slight nausea and a headache?

he’s changed.

6:14 PM me: no my son for that is the devil speaking through your being. the devil is able to take many forms so the bible wrote. and my son you can find him in the impurity and degradation that thrive in the black hearts of liberal folks. and his tainted words speak through you at the mercy and love of the light.

6:15 PM Genesis tells of a the return of the devil in flesh

6:16 PM David: I actually know that genesis does not talk about that

me: a dark man born east of the many prospers of eden

David: you’re not a real priest at all

me: he will rise dark and and ominous

and there will be many ruin as he cohoots with the semite

6:17 PM and greed and corruption with poison the land

rape the forests

and fires west will single the return

6:18 PM the culmination of the void into the world

and men will be as beasts who snort and jaw

6:19 PM perverse and throbbing and penetration penetration pentration

and the lesser eve will rise in collusion

6:20 PM and challenge the white light of adam

and with poisoned blade, his holy reign will spill and cease upon the throne of the world

6:21 PM the chosen, the pure, will be vanquished from the land

SO IT IS WRITTEN

David: where?

6:22 PM me: deep within in the halls of the inner sanctum where holy texts that only the priesthood may gaze upon

6:24 PM David: embossed, engraved upon my eyelids I have read, I have seen, messages which warn of men from afar, men from the west, who come bearing the falseness of our good lord (may he rest in peace) for our lord has been trampled in trying times

6:25 PM he has not a bit of strength left, I have seen

it is written

and I have read

and I have seen

I saw his last puft of breath leave his lips

and with that sigh did not the walls close in on me

6:26 PM with him died, most tragically, the last hibiscuses, the last perennials

there are no cycles now

things grow, things die

then things stay dead

6:27 PM there is no gran recycling plan, no, man has overrun the good lord in that regard

I know this is true

6:28 PM me: you make me ashamed to even suggest i want to write

god DAMN son

i just about converted

6:30 PM David: there’s nothing actually embossed upon my eyelids

me: oh

David: that was a metaphor

6:31 PM me: about roman imperialism and current liberal domestic agenda?

6:32 PM David: I think that’s the most obvious one, yes

6:34 PM me: certainly one of the more productive conversations ive had today

6:37 PM i believe you should not goto medical school and fulfill your life long dream, world class superfreak

coming to a theatre near you

6:38 PM David: hopefully there isn’t a cop-out ending where I end up dying alone and unsuccessful

6:39 PM me: obviously not

were talking about a jon heder vehicle here

were talkin major deals here baby

6:40 PM if we play this right, pulll a few strings, spend a little green to get some named attached we could, get this baby,

hot sun, cool shade, plenty women my friend

and they will be all over us baby

ya know why

6:41 PM because we will be in the green like paradise

David: your flagrant use of commas entices me

me: i don’t use nothin’ but commas

and that’s how much i care

about my clients

6:42 PM listen, agents aren’t all sleazballs

we’re hardworkin joes look out for our stars

stick with me, we’ll go places

i know a guy

hes big time

we share the same coke dealer me and him

were on good terms listen

ill pull a few strings

we could be talkin

ya ready

judd apatow

6:43 PM instant street cred papi!

now i need you to work with me, i need you to trust me

i havent seen stuff like this in all my years and with a little polish some touchups a few rewrites

6:44 PM you could be on the big screen within a year

just, and now trust me

ya gotta sign these papers

theyre nothin mostly

its primarily procedure stuff

you undastand

David: what’s that line about power of attorney? do I need that?

6:45 PM me: i mean its only a technical thing, it just ya know gives the lawyers a bit more room to work and negotiate

its really just a whole lot simpler if you just go ahead and take care of that, and he baby, we’ll take care of you

remember youre gonna be a star!

6:46 PM David: I like the cut of your jib

6:47 PM me: hey boyo, i knew i could count on you

listen we’ll get this processed and give you a call in couple of days

clear your schedule cause its gonna be busy busy busy

we got people to meet

we gotta shop you around, get your face out there

6:48 PM its all about face time, capital in this town is all who recognizes you

that guy that one time ya know from the snack bar at your sons little league game

doesnt matter when or where

this is a friendly town

and we take care of our own

6:49 PM you get some of that recognition doesnt matter

a dear friend, who passed recently

he found himself shakin hands with non other than woody harleson

i mean woody fuckin harleson, king pin himself right?

6:50 PM ha ha! youre likin it already i can tell

6:51 PM David: say, how tall is he in real life?

6:52 PM I mean I read his bio and it said 6″1′ but I feel like in white men can’t jump he looked shorter than that

6:53 PM me: well actually, he is a pretty tall guy especially for hollywood am i right?

but ya know in that movie

to enhance the woodys vision of a white man restrained by genetics in physics

and*

6:54 PM he was actually shrunk using lenses

to be about 1/10 smaller

for its time it was an incredibly expensive film

6:55 PM David: do you think you can get me in a movie that points out how white and black people are different?

me: the artists knew the risk, but they insisted on a budget blowing set of mirrors and lights

David: I feel that subject is dangerously understudied in modern psyche

me: oh baby

buddy comedies

now ya speakin my language

6:56 PM ya know

growin up in new york like i did i had more than my share of run-ins with the niggers on my block

man but pull a knife and watch em run

oh by the way

try to avoid the east side

6:57 PM anyways, lemme tell you,

the way i got this gig

is im the guy who greenlighted lethal weapon 3

6:58 PM buddy comedy, haha

this guy

but i think in our current uh market climate

i think it would be best if we toned that down a bit ya know

studios are wary of comin across as racist these days

6:59 PM but listen we can get stallone involved and we can just make the black guy an orangutan dressed like hes ya know one of them hood niggers whatever

7:00 PM heeey no problem right?

and when are monkeys not hilarious am i right

David: you do have a point there

7:01 PM I spend a lot of time at zoos knowwhatimean, and all the kids always sit and laugh at the monkeys because they’re like humans except play with feces more

me: HAHAHA

ya got me in stitched already

David: which, in many ways, is a stirring metaphor for the plight of the black man in modern society

7:02 PM me: listen, baby, i mean i am one hundred percent with you on that

thats the stuff that makes hard hitting cinema

but, when i take you ya know

shop you around

7:03 PM i wouldn’t get into the details too much

metaphor, narrative, plot listen thats all technical

these events

swingin and social ya know what i mean

we talk business at work and business at home ya know what i mean hey hey

A Tragic Tale of Technological Tragedy

A man of no particular importance or stature once observed, “Robots? Why should I give no damn about no robots? They ain’t nothin’ but the damn Japanese tryin’a march in here what where the good jobs are and steal from the mouths of good honest folk with a army of surrogate illegals.” But this man’s insane rambling betrays the harsh reality of imported technolabor. For in this world of sharp divide between Human and Robot, charged political rhetoric misses something: the cybernetic heart rotating in the carapice of every humanoid.Our story is about Pete, a service android struggling to survive in a social climate of robotism.

His story begins, as so many do at Fukajiki Robotics Concern nestled deep in the Osaka mountains. Built to spec under a particularly ambitious squad of assembly workers, he was fated for glory. He excelled in his training protocols, greatly pleasing his Japanese overlords.

“There wasn’t a test they could throw at me in those days…” A cloud of steam hissing from his exhaust. “Those were better days.”

Pete quickly attracted the attention of Fukajiki top-brass. In a demostration personally overseen by the oft-tyranical Asumo Haikuji, he torqued more than 900 lugnuts to weight in 12 minutes, a company record. Asumo was heard to mutter “Most Excellent” before  a swift departure. Pete’s heart revolved with pride.

“I had granted my glorious master engineers honor for Fukajiki. And honor for myself. I was headed for big things, but I never imagined how big.”

His breakthrough performance quickly circulated the company, making Pete the most talked about robot of the entire KA9 model series. He seemed sure to crush Daimoto Industries much-lauded VortekII series. It was only a matter of time before he was to headline some press-events, but the young KA9 could scarcely imagine the thrust of Asumo’s confidence.

“I mean I’m Japanese – I’m programmed to be very modest. I never expected to be Fukajiki’s flagship in the Japanese Robotic Future Now Expo. We’re talking about the fourth largest bi-annual robotic industry tradeshow in Japan. I was billed as ‘The Gloroious Japanese Sun Rising Above Daimoto But Never Shining on Them’ to boot. And that’s not your typical sabre-rattling and posturing. No Asumo expected all that and more. The pressure, my word! I had to do something to calm my mesh nerve maps.”

Pete found relief in drunken debachury and an eventual gutter. He was discovered in his transport box the next morning with his torquing arm in a heap at his feet. He had torn it off the previous night in the traditional Japanese act of defiance.

“Man were  my masters pissed,” he recounted head in hand.

They worked frantically to save it but to no avail. When the curtain finally went up the audience sat in stunned silence. Then they saw Pete. The stunned silence giving way to unmistakable shocked silence. Asumo’s stone glare turned to seething stone glare  and he quickly stormed out. Along the way he kicked a small Korean girl.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t even try to blame that slavedriver’s child-kicking habits on me.”
I’m just sayin’.
“Sayin’ nothin’, you said this wasn’t a smear piece!”

In any event, it was a press nightmare that threatened to sink Fukajiki Robotics. They had to fix it fast. The matter was brought before the Board of Elders deep in the bowels of the industrial giant. Pete knew he would be shown no mercy when a drink cart robot bumped into the coffee table splashing plum wine on the carpet; an elder seeing this mercilessly beheaded the poor bot whos only crime was Fukajiki’s own shoddy navagation system.

“I choked down my grim fate.”

The Board of Elders ruled with cold authority. The lead elder rose and spoke his voice booming, “Pete for the disgrace of Fukajiki Robotics Concern you are sentenced to Exile.”

“There it was, like a sledgehammer on my once brilliant future. I was to be carted off and dumped with the rest of Japan’s second-rate, electronic garbage… America.”

Tune in whenever I damn well feel like it for Part 2 of this exciting saga.

In other news…

Why is there no Congressional Fantasy League? Because I would totally snatch up Arlen Specter for my House Commerce Committee.

Also when I watch C-SPAN I have leagues of congressional fantasies. Mostly involving Arlen Specter’s snatch.